The Right (and Wrong) Way to Apologize
An apology can help to defuse anger, particularly in the workplace. But it’s encouraging to read about research that confirms this fact, as described in the book The Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home, by Dan Ariely, a prominent professor of psychology and behavioral economics.
Ariely and his colleagues investigated the impact of an apology on an annoyed person. In an experiment described in this blog post, the team found that an apology following the annoying behavior was sufficient to counteract the effect of the annoyance, demonstrating that apologies work—at least sometimes.
Ariely readily acknowledges that a mere apology won’t always do the trick. This experiment entailed a simple one-time interaction. A more serious affront, or one that’s prolonged, is less likely to be tamped down by a mere apology.
Furthermore, we’ve all heard apologies that weren’t apologies at all. Among the six categories of non-apology described in this funny post at Cracked.com is the infamous “Mistakes were made.” And we’ve all heard people apologize not for their inappropriate behavior but rather for becoming a distraction. Think also of the apologies you’ve heard from corporate muckety-mucks that sound forced and are delivered in legal terms. Indeed, the tone of an apology, the delivery, and the actions beyond the words matter, as described in this post on the anatomy of an apology.
The eleven steps and examples outlined in this wikiHow post can serve as an excellent template for apologizing. It may be that not every step is necessary in every situation, but step number two—Take full responsibility—may be a key one. In particular, don’t shift the blame to anyone else. Own the mistake as your own and admit that you were wrong.
I also like step number six: Say you’re sorry using simple, declarative words that acknowledge that you know you did something wrong. Not “I’m sorry if I was offensive” or “I’m sorry you were offended,” or even worse, “I'm sorry for anything that was offensive to you,” but a simple, direct “I'm sorry I was offensive.”
Using an extraordinary example of a heated interaction in a Fortune 100 company, this Harvard Business Review post offers three simple steps for offering someone a “power apology”: Admit that you were wrong and that you're sorry. Show them you understand the effect it had on them. Tell them what you are going to do differently in the future so that it doesn't happen again.
I once had an experience in which a doctor’s profuse apology about keeping me waiting a long time made me fully willing to overlook the wait. Have you ever had a similar experience?
