How to Make Eye Contact to Communicate Effectively
My colleague Jim’s excitement was palpable as he described his latest project. But as he spoke, his eyes were focused above my head, as if I were perched up there on the rafters. I kept thinking, “Hey, I’m down here, look at me!”
The same thing happened during a conversation with my friend, Henry. As we chatted, his head was cranked upward. At least Jim and I were seated and at the same eye level. But Henry and I were both standing. And he’s a lot taller than I am. (Most people are!) So as I craned my neck to look at him, he was looking aloft.
There’s some speculation that eye contact is on the decline, perhaps due to all the digital distractions in our midst. But it’s not just in social situations where eye contact matters. Looking elsewhere during conversations with your customers won’t help your relationship nor will looking at your shoes when speaking to your team. Still, as important as eye contact is in informing others that you’re paying attention and fully engaged, many people aren’t good at it. That’s a problem because not making eye contact can be perceived as snobby or pretentious.
To make eye contact, whether you’re the one speaking or listening, look directly into the other person's eyes for several seconds. Blink normally as you do. Nodding or shifting your head from time to time or offering feedback with an occasional “uh-huh” keeps that contact from turning into a harsh stare. And that’s important: Just as too little eye contact can be interpreted as a sign of disinterest, too much eye contact can come across as aggressive. People don’t like to be stared at, so it’s a fine line.
Don’t forget that there are cultural differences in how and when you make eye contact. For example, in some cultures, making direct eye contact is viewed as aggressive, rude, or disrespectful. Some cultures consider eye contact between men and women threatening or simply inappropriate.
A starting point would simply be to notice if you make eye contact when you’re talking with others. And please, if you happen to talk to me when we’re both standing, look down. Because that’s where I’ll be.
