How to Work with Defensive People
It’s irritating to work with people who are always defensive. These are the people who, when things don’t work out as planned, are quick to blame circumstances, bad luck, or the people they work with. They take comments seriously, create excuses for things that have gone wrong, and are skillful at repackaging their goofs and glitches to avoid being found at fault. In a sense, they react as if preparing to fend off an attack.
So if a coworker asks a chronically defensive programmer how he’s doing and the programmer knows he’s way behind, he might lash out, find fault with the coworker, or point to problems elsewhere in the project. And he’s likely to stop listening to anything else the coworker says.
I recall a project manager who was so fearful of being found in the wrong that she heard everything anyone said to her as an accusation about her ability. She excelled at interpreting even the most innocuous comment as a challenge, criticism, or threat. No one likes to be found lacking, so it’s hardly odd that someone might behave in ways that (in their mind, at least) protect them. It’s only when defensiveness becomes habitual that it’s a problem.
This kind of behavior reflects a deep insecurity and lack of confidence. To deal with such people, try to create a zone of safety in your interactions with them. In effect, you’ll be defusing what they might perceive as an attack by first making them feel safe. So instead of launching directly into whatever you want to say to the person, first say something positive about the person or the person’s work: “The way you fixed that bug was clever. I have a question about another possible way to get rid of it.”
Keep in mind that chronically defensive people truly believe they’re in danger. Their fears likely go back to their childhoods, and unless playing shrink is in your job description, you needn’t concern yourself with why they behave as they do. But it can help in interacting with them to be moderate, even tempered, and not judgmental. Aim to convey a spirit of helpfulness and minimize negative feedback—or at least couch it in as positive a tone as you can.
Sometimes, too, you can avoid defensive reactions by using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Instead of “You annoy me when you arrive late,” try “I’m frustrated when I can’t start a meeting on time because you haven’t arrived.”
Tailoring your own behavior to accommodate defensive behavior can feel like tiptoeing around to avoid a backlash. At least, I’d find it so. But if you can gain the trust of defensive people, you and the work you do together will benefit.
