The Challenge of Saying “I Don’t Know”
While on a flight, my seatmate asked me what I was reading. I told her, “I don’t know,” and chuckled because it was the truth. I was reading a book titled I Don’t Know: In Praise of Admitting Ignorance (Except When You Shouldn’t). What struck me in reading the book is how, according to research, even young children can’t “shake the idea that admitting not knowing is bad.” Something in our culture or upbringing conveys the message that it’s not OK to reveal we don’t know something.
Of course, sometimes the reason for this resistance is obvious. When a friend spouts a reference that everyone else seems to know, admitting that you don’t can be embarrassing. And when management asks why the project is late, saying you don’t know can be a career-limiting response. The fear of consequences is a powerful motivator, so we pretend we do know or strive to detract others from realizing that we don’t.
Yet, there’s a certain power in saying “I don’t know,” simply because it’s the truth. Saying you don’t know might even be the smart thing because it’s an opportunity to learn something. This, of course, applies to a situation where you don’t know something and others do. When the Big Boss demands information, it’s to get answers, not to test the capacity of your knowledge bank.
It seems useful, therefore, to have ways to say you don’t know without using those exact words. An obvious one is to say, “I’ll look into it and get back to you” (assuming it’s not something you really should know). Other possible responses include “I’m not sure, but I can tell you that …” or “A better question might be ...” and then redirecting the conversation to what you do know.
When it’s the Big Boss asking, it might be better to try something like, “We’re examining the situation and I’ll have an answer for you by x -o’clock.” Or say, “If I answer you now, it will be an incomplete and possibly misleading answer. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can with the complete answer.” The key is to offer whatever information you have and promise to follow up.
In a social gathering in which you’re clueless about something everyone else seems to know, you might try, “Am I the only one here who doesn’t know what that is, or am I the only one willing to admit it?”
Will I actually use that response the next time I’m in that situation? Hmmm … I don’t know.
