Are You Self-Absorbed? Learn to Listen
When people are intensely busy, it’s natural that the bulk of their attention is focused inward. Still, some people are so self-absorbed that it’s me-me-me all day long. Some of these people are narcissists; all they care about is themselves. Others just don’t realize that they convey an “I matter and you don’t” attitude.
Some managers, for example, ask their employees for their input; then, regardless of its value, they proceed with their own plan. One frustrated employee whose manager modeled this type of self-absorption told me, “He pretends to want our input to help him in his decision-making, but it’s just a game. He asks, we respond, he ignores.”
Some such managers ask for input to simulate caring because they believe it’ll help them be viewed as good managers. But they really don’t care what their employees think. Other managers recognize the importance of seeking input from employees but fail to appreciate the related importance of acknowledging that input and, where possible, using it. The morale-dampening impact on employees is the same regardless of the cause.
Another type of self-absorption entails listening to someone while simultaneously reading email, talking on the phone, chatting with someone else, writing a report, and chomping on nachos. Some people can do mutiple things and still listen, but most of us can’t.
In any case, being a good listener entails not just listening, but exhibiting verbal and physical evidence of listening, such as eye contact, nodding, asking questions, and utterances. This assumes, of course, that the utterances are along the lines of “OK” or “Good point,” rather than a burp or a zzzz.
A third type of self-absorption entails hijacking a conversation so it’s about me, not you. For example:
Person speaking: I’m having a terrible time with my job.
Self-absorbed listener: Mm. Have you upgraded your operating system yet? I need to do that.
Those with a narcissistic bent excel, of course, at “it’s all about me”:
Person speaking: I’m having a terrible time with my job.
Self-absorbed listener: Me, too. I have a real jerk of a boss.
The most proficient self-absorbed listeners ignore the other person altogether:
Person speaking: I’m having a terrible time with my job.
Self-absorbed listener: A storm’s coming in. This weekend, we ski powder!
Notice that in all three examples, there is no pause. No acknowledgement of what the other person has said. No follow-up to learn more.
If you noticed yourself in the examples of the self-absorbed listener, make an effort to change. The next time someone is talking to you, stop what you’re doing, pay attention, and respond to what was said—focusing on the person and his opinions, not on yourself and yours.
