Dealing with Criticism, Whether Constructive or Not
It’s sometimes said that when someone criticizes you, you shouldn’t take it personally because the criticism is more about the person doing the criticizing than the person being criticized. To which I say, good luck! If you dislike the person issuing the criticism or are in a place of strong self-esteem, it’s possible to toss off criticism as just so much blather. But if you like the person, or if there’s even a grain of truth to the criticism, it’s harder to ignore.
Of course, criticism is easier to take if it’s issued with kindness. But what about when you’re critiqued by those who haven’t been schooled in criticizing with kindness? A good starting point is to consider the source. That is, is the criticizer someone you know, respect and trust? Is it someone knowledgeable about the matter being discussed? Is it someone who knows you or your circumstances well enough to offer criticism? Is the person’s tone helpful or mean-spirited? Is the person known to be caring and thoughtful or hurtful and vindictive?
If the criticism seems designed to tear down and cause harm, ignore it and move on. But if it seems intended to be genuinely constructive, the ideal response is simply to say thank you. If your natural reaction to criticism is to push back at it, thanking will be the last thing on your mind. But that can make it the best response, because it can give you that nanosecond of space in which to consider the possible merit concealed within the criticism. Thanking can also disarm the criticizer, who may be anticipating that pushback and may be surprised to receive thanks instead.
Then comes the tough part: considering the criticism and gauging whether any of it might be valid, relevant, or useful. If the criticism provokes strong feelings, those feelings may be telling you that you’ve heard something worth paying attention to, so acknowledge that.
But then tuck the criticism aside until those feelings subside a bit or you have some quiet time to reflect on what you’ve heard. Take a breath and ask yourself what you can learn from the criticism. If appropriate, ask questions to learn more.
If it’s criticism you’ve heard often from multiple sources, it may be worth evaluating, even if (or especially if) you’d much prefer to ignore it. Otherwise, apply it or not as you deem appropriate, and then, as they say, get on with your life.
