How to Handle Difficult People
The notion of difficult people makes me a little uncomfortable because often it’s not the person that’s difficult, but rather the situation the person is in. And sometimes, that situation is out of the person’s control. Still, the reality is that some people really are “tearing your hair out” difficult. So what can you do (legally, that is) to cope with such people and to get them to modify their behavior?
First of all, don’t take their actions or behavior personally. Easy to say, I know, but with practice and determination, it’s doable. Some people behave in a difficult manner because of unresolved personal issues, underdeveloped social skills, or insecurity that leads them to use provocation as a protective device. This doesn't excuse the bad behavior, but it may explain it.
If possible, try to find common ground. Focus on asking questions rather than making statements. Doing this might help them reconsider their own position, with less risk of a confrontation.
If you've decided to approach the person to discuss the situation, keep your discussion private. Describe what you're experiencing using "I" statements and avoiding "you" statements. This is a communication technique whereby you focus on what you're experiencing rather than attacking or accusing the other party.
Be gentle and agreeable in your approach. Attempt to reach agreement about how you can work together. Keep in mind that most people don’t choose to be difficult. They just may have never had feedback to make them aware of how they’re affecting others.
Whether you succeed or not, try to accept them as they are. You can't change people, and trying too hard may cause defensiveness, invite criticism, or in some other way, make the situation—and the person you have to deal with—even worse.
Strive to see the best in these difficult types. I’ve seen situations in which just giving the “difficult” person some attention transformed the dynamic into a positive relationship; sadly, these were people who had rarely been shown appreciation by others.
Still, if the person remains unreasonable, you may be dealing with someone with a personality disorder who will not be open to any amount of reasoning. If that’s the case and you have no other escape hatch, minimize your time with the person, keep it logical, volunteer minimal information, stay away from topics that can lead to trouble, and don’t try to get them to see your way (you won’t succeed).
Whatever you do, do NOT drink with them. And abandon any hope you may have had that they will one day be the person you wish they'd be. They won’t.
Before you do any of the above, consider the possibility that you are the difficult person in the situation. You certainly don’t mean to be; it’s not who you are or how you see yourself.
Nevertheless, just maybe, the situation in which the other person seems difficult is one that came about because you, in fact, were the difficult party. So start by looking within. It’s never a bad place to start.
