Why People Give Unwanted Advice—and What to Do about It
One of the things that makes smart people smart is that they’re willing to ask for advice. They don’t fear that asking for advice will make them seem incompetent. It’s a good move because whether these people appreciate it or not, asking for advice actually makes people seem more capable, not less.
Of course, asking for advice and getting it unsolicited are two different things. I’m sure I’m not the only one who at times resists good advice, and there are lots of reasons I (or you) might do so. Still, a question that often comes up in this context is why people give unwanted advice. Most of the time, they’re truly trying to help. But often, although they mean well, they don’t understand the other person’s experience sufficiently to have a reasonable basis for offering advice.
Often, too, giving advice isn’t so much about the intended recipient as the person giving it. This is the case for people who need to be needed or need to pass judgment, pull rank, or exhibit power. At work, they’re often the micromanagers; they can’t resist telling other people how to do their jobs. Or they may be people who perceive themselves as the great guru—the one who knows what others need to know and can’t fathom that anyone wouldn’t want the wisdom they can impart.
If you’re on the receiving end of unwanted advice, the simplest response might be to express appreciation for the advice, followed by a statement along the lines of “I’ve got it covered” or “I’m comfortable with the way I’m doing it.” There’s no need to defend your position, explain your preferred approach, or disparage the advice given.
But don’t be too hasty to jump to your response. It can be important first to acknowledge the advice-giver’s perspective as a way of saying, “I hear you.” Ideally, your goal isn’t to put down the other person, but to get on with your life without having to accept their advice.
Of course, if you don’t want to be on the receiving end of unwanted advice, you’d best be sure you’re not habitually on the giving end. If you notice yourself about to give advice, it may be wise to first ask permission: “I’d like to give you some feedback. Would that be OK?” If the answer is yes, present your opinion kindly and preferably in a condensed version, and offer to elaborate if the person would like you to do so. But if the answer is no, stifle it!
