What You Should Do When Someone Pushes Your Buttons
Everybody gets angry once in a while. That, by itself, is no big deal. As Dilbert fully understands, anger is often an understandable reaction to a provoking situation. It's when you respond in a way that's out of proportion to the circumstances that anger becomes a problem. And it's especially a problem when that response is automatic, outside your conscious control, and a pattern of behavior rather than a once-in-a-rare-while occurrence.
When anger strikes, it sabotages your ability to think clearly. Your emotional self takes over and incites you to say or do something that your rational self would know to avoid. So the best thing to do in that type of situation is to stop. Whatever you're doing or saying—even if you're right in the middle of a syllable—stop. To start to restore your equilibrium, take several deep breaths. If possible, get away from the situation, such as by asking for a brief break in a meeting or asking to terminate a phone conversation and continue it later. Yes, this can be awkward, but it’s much less so than having to face people later who have now seen you at your worst.
Once you're away from the provoking situation and your thinking self returns, you can consider your options. The situation may still call for a response, but you can now better consider the alternatives and how they might play out. And you can ask yourself questions such as, Do I really understand the situation from the other person's perspective? Is there anything in this situation that I'm missing? Is there a way I can frame my response to get the result I want?
In the workplace, even a single instance of extreme anger can damage your reputation and relationships and, as a result, your projects. People won't take kindly to having to tiptoe around you for fear that the slightest misstep will set you off. Once you get a reputation as a hothead, a simple "I’m so sorry" won't undo the damage; you've got a tough job ahead rebuilding your reputation.
By learning to become an observer of your own behavior, you may be able to identify what pushes your anger buttons so that you can take control of your anger before it takes control of you. Lashing out is the easy response. It's also the most destructive response. With effort and presence of mind, you can learn to minimize your anger and respond in a deliberate and thoughtful way.
By the way, if you feel compelled to send a confrontational email when those buttons have been pushed, remember that the Send key is not your friend. So start by typing the message as a document or an email with the To field left blank. Then put it away for a few hours or, even better, a day or longer. The very process of writing might diminish your anger and provide a chance to think more clearly about the situation. Having done that, you're likely to abandon the idea of sending the message. If you still want to send it, at least you'll have (hopefully) made it more reasoned than if you'd sent it in the heat of anger.
