Overcoming Arguments in the Workplace
In philosophy, an argument isn’t a quarrel, bur rather a claim for which you offer good reasons to support your conclusion. But here in the real world, arguing entails views that differ or even clash, each party trying to persuade the others that his or her view is right and the others’ are wrong.
When our buttons get pushed and we start to argue, emotions kick in. When those emotions take over our thought processes, we stop listening, and our singular goal becomes having our way. But if we can maintain control over those feelings, we can rationally present our position and allow the other parties to present theirs. In the process, everyone has a chance reach an improved understanding without stomping on each other.
To argue effectively, explain your point of view; don’t assume the other party already knows and understands it. If you discover you’re wrong, admit it. Avoid shouting; raising your voice makes it harder to hear you, not easier. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view even if you don’t agree with it. Of course, if you do agree with a point the person has made, be willing to say so.
As reasonable as this advice is, I was struck by this alternate view of arguing in Peter Bregman's book Four Seconds: All the Time You Need to Stop Counter-Productive Habits and Get the Results You Want. In reacting to an argument he found himself in, he suddenly realized that arguing is a waste of time. While you pretend to listen to the person’s arguments, you’re actually busy thinking about either counterarguments or weaknesses in the person’s case and how you can disprove them.
The reality, Bregman suggests, is that even if you think the other person’s argument has merit, you’re unlikely to change your mind. If anything, each person leaves the argument feeling even more strongly than before that he or she is right. Bregman asks, “How likely is it that you will change your position in the middle of fighting for it? Or accept someone else’s perspective when they’re trying to hit you over the head with it?”
Instead, he advises, try to avoid getting into an argument in the first place. If you nevertheless get drawn into an argument, stop arguing and start listening, because arguing closes people down, whereas listening slows them down. When people realize they’ve been heard, they relax, and you have your best chance of changing their mind. But even if you can’t, you can thank them for their perspective—without agreeing with it—and terminate the conversation.
It’s worth a try. In the meantime, here’s advice on how to argue with an idiot. It’s excellent advice that may spare you many an argument.
